


Forever Trying to Find You

by JessieIero



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Implied Relationships, Letters, M/M, Sad, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-22 21:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2523080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessieIero/pseuds/JessieIero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letters from Frank to Gerard. </p><p>Frank didn't understand, they were meant to be forever, and now he has to search for him all over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Missing you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [three_cheers_for_sweet_frerard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/three_cheers_for_sweet_frerard/gifts).



> This is my second fic on here, and once again I am really nervous.  
> I haven't posted any MCR fics for about four or five years, so this is very nerve racking for me.  
> Also anything I post is unbeta'd, pretty much I type it and then I fret for about an hour before sucking it up and posting something!

11/06/1999 - 1:02pm

Dear Gerard,   
I don't really know how to start this, I mean this probably isn't the best way to start a letter. Saying how I don't know what I'm supposed to write. But what do I say to you?   
They told me it would help you know, writing to you. I hope this reaches you.   
It's been a over a month now, well 33 days, 21 hours and 25 minutes, since it happened. I think about you every day.   
Remember that time we decided to go swimming at like 3 am? And I got pneumonia and you sat by my bed every day. You even brought my homework with you and you sat there and pretty much did it for me. I don't think I could have gotten better if it weren't for you coming to see me, making me laugh and smile even though it hurt. And my mom got pissed because she kept on saying I needed my rest.   
You missed my 18th birthday. Mom kept pressuring me to have a party, with Mikey, Ray and Bob. Instead I just got drunk in my room and listened to Black Flag. Mom was pretty pissed when she came in and found me passed out on the floor. She said I was holding your folder. You know, the one I made with all your drawings you used to do for me. I put those pictures I took of you in there. I couldn't handle them being on my cork board any more. Seeing your face, I can't help but to think about what you're doing with out me. You used to say that you had no idea what you would do without me in your life. And I told you every time, that you would just be a hermit.   
You really are a hermit Gee, is that what you're doing now? Just hiding out, being a hermit. Like that time you went missing for like a week, and we all freaked out and went looking for you. But then you just turned up out of the blue stinking like you'd never showered in your entire life. 

I think my mom is worried about me. She keeps giving me these looks, and she keeps telling me to go visit Mikey or your Mom. I think she talks to Donna a lot. I walked downstairs to the kitchen and she was on the phone but quickly hung up when she saw me.   
I haven't touched pansy since you left, remember when my dad bought her for me, and you actually sat and listened to me play until my fingers were sore. You looked so proud of me that day.   
Anyway, I have to go. I have another appointment with this damn shrink they're making me see.   
I really miss you Gerard, please come back to me. 

Frank.


	2. Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else could he do? He searched everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter in one night?  
> This is what I get when I stay up all night and listen to sad music.

11/21/1999 - 3:47pm

Dear Gerard,   
I really hate starting these off the same. But everything else seems too formal or just weird.  
How's it going where ever you are? Are they treating you well? I don't blame you for missing my birthday. I would have missed it too if it weren't for my mom reminding me. 

I visited Mikey the other day, he is doing well, so is your mom, she hugged me and cried a little. Mikey just kinda sat there. He doesn't seem to think you're coming back. We talked for a little while, but when I told him you were gonna be back, he yelled at me and kicked me out. I thought that little skinny fucker was gonna actually hit me.   
Remember how we used to play wrestle, and Mikey would always try those sneaky shots we learnt from watching all those WWE shows. I still have the scar from when he tried hitting me with the chair. But of course you'd remember that, you used to always sit there and rub it when you played with my hair.   
Mom is getting more and more worried about me. She says I don't eat properly any more, I just miss your burnt pancakes and Mikeys insane ability to somehow manage to get the pop tarts stuck in the toaster. Do you remember the time he took the heater into the shower with him, god he scared you big time. I thought you were gonna have an aneurysm or something. 

I really hope you come back before winter break starts, we can have our weekend horror movie marathons again. And I swear this time, I'll bring the weed. We can sit in your room and just cuddle. I miss your hugs Gee, and I miss the way you would wrap me up in that doona and snuggle in next to me.  
Tomorrow is our first anniversary. I want you to come back for that, but judging by how long you've been gone, I don't think that's going to happen. But when you do come back we can celebrate with dinner at that little diner in town that you like.   
I've been trying to get back to work, but every time I call, they tell me to take just a little more time off. Joe said with school and everything that's been happening that I deserve 'as much time off as I want.' But I just want to get back into it you know. It's boring just sitting around at home, waiting for you to call or write or just something.   
Mikey hasn't been back to school, people keep asking me about him. They send their condolences via me, but I don't know why. You're gonna be back.   
About a week ago I took the train to New York, I took your photo with me and asked around. But no one had seen you. I went everywhere, I even trekked through that old forest where you used to go.   
I've been having these nightmares every night, you're in them. Well actually you're the main feature of them. I keep on finding you, lying in your bed, empty bottles of booze surrounding you and your arms. Oh god your arms Gerard, there was blood everywhere.   
I haven't told anyone about these nightmares, they might lock me away somewhere. And I heard my shrink talking to my mom, he says I'm in denial. I don't know what about. The last time I had to see a shrink was when my dad left. And she didn't think anything was wrong with me.   
You said I was the most perfect person in existence. You'd hold me in your arms and whisper sweet nothings to me.   
I really miss those times Gerard. 

Yours forever,   
Frankie x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pleaseeeee leave a comment.   
> It would make my day!


	3. Come back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

12/14/1999 - 11:12am

Dear Gerard,   
I think I kinda get it now. You left to start a new life somewhere right? But if you did that why didn't you take me with you, we always joked about running away together. Just leaving for somewhere where we could live together by ourselves.   
Christmas is coming, and your present is hiding in my room. I've had it for months. Since before you even left. I promise if you come back I'll give it to you. But if you don't come back, I'll never stop searching for you. I promise you.   
I think I'm starting to forget the sound of your laugh, or the way you used to smile when you were trying to hold back.   
Mikey came back to school, he's been ignoring me. I still don't know why he is mad at me. I feel like he has given up on you.   
They held a memorial service for you at school. I didn't go, what's the point in having one when you're coming back for me. I think we should take Mikey with us, I don't want him to feel left out.   
Ray keeps on giving me weird looks at work, it bothers me. Oh yeah! I started back at work, I'm now on every day after school. Mom said it might be good to keep me occupied, Joe agreed. Working at the music store is great, and the discount is even better. I used to love when you'd come in and just sit with me until I clocked off. It's kinda really boring without you now.   
I keep expecting you to walk in the door and just hug me and kiss me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Just like you used to. 

My shrink keeps talking to my mom after each session, it makes me feel weird. I'm eighteen and my mom takes me to my appointments and actually has to talk about me with him.   
Apparently Mom went through my room and found that folder again, this time it was under my mattress. I look at it every night, I don't want to forget your face. And those mix tapes you left me are the only thing keeping your voice in my head. I listen to them all the time, I sing along with you and I let them put me to sleep.   
What am I supposed to do when you're not here Gerard. 

You know, it's been 71 days now. You've been gone for over two months, well two months and ten days.   
Maybe you're not coming back,  
I really miss you. 

Forever searching,  
Frankie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of what I have right now, but when I get back home tonight I should be able to write more (hopefully)


	4. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are falling into place

12/25/1999 - 11:43pm

Dear Gerard,   
It's Christmas, and well you're not here. But your mom is and so is Mikey. They came, just like every year before, like you guys have been doing since we were kids. But you didn't show like I thought you would.   
The shrink I've been seeing, well he told me something and I just don't want to believe it.   
My nightmares, he said, are my mind reliving a traumatic experience and that's why I don't remember it when I'm awake. Because my mind is trying to protect me from a mental breakdown.   
I don't believe him. You'd never kill yourself. I know you had problems, I mean we struggled through them together. And we beat those demons together Gee. So he is lying to me.   
He must be.   
I can't write for long.   
I want to, I want to tell you about the things you've been missing since you went away. Mikey wants to propose to Alicia. He told me today.   
Ray and Christa are getting more serious. Bob had an accident. He is in rehab for his wrist, he can't play drums any more, it's really got him down.  
Please don't let what the shrink said be true. 

I love you  
Frank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry omg.   
> Sorry it's short, but each chapter will only be a single letter from Frank, so kinda think about it in a this is all he can write in a singular sitting   
> xx


	5. I'm trapped in this putrid nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He realises

01/01/2000 - 12:03 am

Gerard,   
HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
89 days, 8 hours, 26 minutes and counting.   
I miss you, Gee.   
It's kind of all starting to click now, I think I actually remember that day.   
I was worried, you hadn't answered the phone and that's why I went to your house. Mikey was out with Alicia, some sort of movie date or something. Oh god Gee, I remember how eerie it was walking up to your house. It looked like no one was home. All I can think of is the silence as I walked down to your basement. Your door was shut and that was the only familiar thing about it all. I could smell it, the strong tangy metallic scent. It went straight to my nose the moment I opened that door.   
The shrink – I should probably stop calling him that – his name is David, he told me that I probably didn't want to try and remember it in full detail just yet. He's actually a pretty cool guy. He understands what I'm talking about, and he understands when I don't want to talk about you. Or if I just want to reminisce.   
I don't want to remember what I saw, I want to remember you how you actually were before it happened.   
Apparently they held a funeral for you. Mom didn't let me go because she could see I didn't believe it happened. She told me after I called the ambulance and they arrived, I answered their questions and just walked home. Mom said I gave her a heart attack when I walked in with your – anyway she got a hysterical phone call off Donna and that's how she found out.  
You were just as much my moms kid as you were Donnas. Mom said she went catatonic for a day or so. She said she felt like she had just lost one of her sons. My mom loved you, and she was so happy for us.   
I loved you – no I still love you. I'll never stop loving you Gerard. You actually were my first everything, my first love, first kiss, first sexual everything. I literally gave you everything I had, everything. And I guess that has died with you.   
That's the first time I've said that.   
That you're, you know.   
I've been trying to remember what my heart felt like before I fell in love with you, but it was so long ago. I reckon it was when I was eight, about a year after Mom and I moved into the house just down the street from you. You were drawing, and you drew me as Frankensteins' monster and I loved it. I loved you.   
Gerard, what am I supposed to do without you, I planned everything around you. Like where I was going to go to college, where the apartment was that we were gonna share, how many kids we would adopt.   
How am I supposed to do this when you're not here. 

Yours truly,   
Frankenstein's monster x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so so so sorry to the ever so lovely thedevilmakesmuffins   
> Sorry if I made you cry? this is just how it turned out!


	6. I'll never stop looking for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 72 hours

04/09/2000 - 6:33pm 

Dear Gerard,   
Happy Birthday, I'm sorry I haven't written in so long.   
It's – It's been hard, you know, living without you. I had a breakdown, and they put me under a 72 hour psychiatric watch. That's where I'm writing this from, I was so lucky to even get a pencil and paper. They're watching me like a hawk with it though. I broke Pansy, I was playing her in my room for the first time in so long, it had been 189 days, which was one day before you left me. I still can't say it, I can't say that you – left me.   
You would have been 22 today. Whatever happened to SVA Gee, you were gonna go there and be a famous comic artist, and I was going to go to Rutgers and maybe major in literature, I could have been a great school teacher, you know I love kids. Or I could have done something with my music. We both could have soared.   
I finish Senior year soon, and I'm supposed to be applying for colleges but I don't really wanna do something when you're not here to support me in my decision.   
Anyway, I smashed Pansy up, she's a mess. I think there is still pieces of her around my room.   
Mom is scared that I'm gonna go do what you did. She thinks I can't handle it, but I can. I think.   
I've managed to last six months without you by my side.   
You really were everything to me Gerard, you still are.   
I'm getting out of here soon, and I'll come visit you. I'll talk to you like we used to, but god I wish I could hold you like I used to.   
They are taking this off me now, the nurse said I can get it back when I'm discharged though. 

I miss you so much,   
Frankie xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoyed writing them!
> 
> ps. i know it's short again, but like i said, frank can only write so much


	7. See you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear

10/31/2000 - 11:57pm

Dear Gerard,   
It's my 19th birthday, well for three more minutes.   
That makes two birthdays I've been without you. I really can't imagine spending another without you. Ray and Bob tried to get me to go to a gig, but gigs were our thing Gee. I haven't been out since you and me.   
It's been difficult, this past year. It's kind of strange to think it's been a year since I lost you.   
No I didn't lose you Gerard, you – you killed yourself. You died. And now I don't know what to do.   
I guess I've just been on auto-pilot since it happened.   
David says I'm alright now, and he stopped seeing me about three weeks ago.   
But I don't think I’m really okay.   
It was supposed to get easier with time, but it's been over a year and it's not easier.   
God damnit Gee, I want you to come back but you never will and I fucking hate you for that.   
I'm sorry.  
I don't hate you, I could never hate you. You were so fucking perfect, and you always knew how to make me happy.   
That's the problems, without you here, I'm no longer happy.   
It's always so dark without you now. You're somewhere out there, but your life will never shine on this world again.   
And that breaks my heart, I need you.  
And I guess that’s why I’m here, next to your grave.   
I just want to be with you forever, I want to be able to hold you in my arms again.   
So I'm coming, I’m coming for you.   
I have my pills, and I have your folder.   
I'm leaving for you. 

See you soon,   
Frankie xoxo

 

And Mom, if you read this, which I’m sure you will.   
I'm sorry, but Gee was my everything I can't live without him. It's not your fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the last part of this fic.   
> Thank you to whoever read it!   
> And thank you to people who read this later on.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always graciously welcomed.  
> This is going to have more than one chapter I think.  
> The chapters will be short, because they're just short letters but I hope I can do it well!  
> If you feel inclined please leave a comment, they make me very happy!


End file.
